Trained in the Art of Killing
by ferret assassin nin
Summary: title may change Kakashi holds a journal and a lot of unknown feelings. Just 'cause he's an ANBU doesn't mean he can't show his emotions... in a journal. Finally a real view of what goes on inside the Famous Copy Nin's head. AU Kaka/Naru real sum. nside


Trained Killer

**Disclaimer:** Naruto will never belong to me no matter how much I love the series. Curse you Kishimoto!!! T_T

**Warning:** Slight cursing, light violence, hinted deaths: Rated K+

**Summary:** He's a Black Ops ANBU Member; someone trained in professional killing. Most are cold blooded and merciless, some are no longer human beings, and a select few are emotional wrecks. He, fortunately, is neither; he's still himself, but he wishes he could die. Who said Black Ops enjoy killing in cold blood? Kakashi-centric

**Quick Note:** I'm doing this story in two chapter intervals. I decided that I can manage to update sooner and save time by doing this. Kakashi may be out of character a tad because I don't have secure knowledge about his persona. So, on that note, please be patient and understanding and please, please, please review after reading, alright?

_____ scene change

"character speech"

'character thought'

_autobiography _

normal text

chapter change

Chapter 1: Questioning his Sanity

_I'm Hatake Kakashi, age 19, a Black Ops Member just like my father was. I've seen the worse in people, the best, and, in some, the scariest and cruelest. Fortunately, I haven't lost my sanity, heart, or body as do most members. We are not to, under any circumstances, give our names, the location of HQ, and certainly not talk about what we do. Being in here reminds me of the mess that the soldiers in War became; that I soon became. So many loving fathers or mothers or sisters or brothers went out whole and came back in pieces; some figuratively, some literally. _

_The reason why I'm telling you this is for one simple matter: I don't want you to become like me; a mindless droid bent on killing everyone in their bingo book. I don't even think this will ever be found, but, in the possibility that it will, I will recount everything I've ever went through starting with my father's Seppuku._

_You see, I was only six or seven when my father came back from a mission destroyed and unable to take care of himself. He never drank before in his life, but he did now and I was scared. Scared of what my loving and caring and nurturing father will become; had became. I begged him to get help, did everything in my power to convince him not leave me, and tried to take care of a twenty-seven year-old who couldn't even take care of himself or his only son._

_One day I recall asking him if I could have a sip of what that foul smelling liquid was. He told me to take the bottle, take a good whiff, and don't put a single drop in my mouth. I did so and almost ended up vomiting. How could he drink such vile smelling liquid? _

"_You see," he starts as I try not to vomit. "This is called alcohol, something you should never drink. If I ever catch you drinking it, you will have hell to pay. Do you understand me, Kakashi?" I never heard his voice so harsh, so demanding, so__…__ threatening. All I could do was shake my head saying, "Yes, daddy." At this point I look up at him and see something that I thought I would never see again on his face: a smile, a true smile that's full of comfort and love and care. In that moment, I realized, despite everything he's been through, he's still the father I've always known. Who knew that he was planning to kill himself that night in his study and I would become an orphan__…_

"Oi! Kakashi, what are doing?" I look up from my journal and see an ANBU Squad Captain; my Squad Captain. I never expected him of all people to be in a crowded park such as Konoha Village Greenery Square.

I quickly pull the Ichaicha Paradaisu (Make-out Paradise) complementary book cover around my journal so he wouldn't see it. It's not that I worry about my secrets being revealed, it's the thought of being in serious assed trouble for a) showing my emotions and b) disclosing information about me and the Black Ops Organization; two major don'ts in the ANBU Community. Kami, I really pray he didn't see the journal… if he did, I'm so screwed!

"Nothing. Just looking at the scenery. What are you doing here?" He smiles, a rare thing when we're on missions or in public areas, and sits on the bench beside me.

"No reason. Just thought to take a break, y'know?" 'Take a break' my ass. I know exactly what he's doing; keeping tabs on me, the bastard.

"Yeah."

"Oh, I doubt that you're 'just looking at the scenery', Kakashi. I know you, no offense of course, and you aren't the type just to sit around and do nothing. Seriously, what are you doing?" Did my squad captain just accuse me of lying to him? What the hell? Why would I lie to him of all people? Did he notice the journal before I could get the cover on it?

"I don't see the problem in starting to now. I'm like you; I'm just taking a break. Don't we all need one once in a while?" The captain looks like he's actually thinking my point over. One thing that I'm happy for about being an ANBU Member is being able to keep my face blank as I talk to sempai.

"Good point. Well, I just thought I might check in on you to see how you're doing. Oh, and Kakashi, if you need to talk to someone, I'm always here; alright?" I nod and as he walks off I think, 'Is the bastard calling me crazy? The nerve… I so wish he wasn't my captain and friend so I can kill him without consequences.

_Finding out about his suicide really messed me up in more ways than just one__…_

I stop again and ask myself: 'Am I really losing my sanity? I can't believe I just thought about killing sempai of all people.' Then I realized the one thing that I never thought I would admit: I need help; serious help.

Chapter 2: Managing his Sanity

I write some more in my journal and then get up, place it in my shuriken pouch, and head home. In some ways I guess that I'm more collected than other shinobi, but I think that's due to my memory repression techniques. I know it's not good to repress things and keep them bottled up like I do, but what else can I do to keep myself sane?

Thinking about my feelings and storing them away in a box inside my head is the best way I know of protecting myself from self-pitying and criticizing from my comrades. What use is a Black Ops if they are so weak and unreliable? Maybe I'm exaggerating things, but that's certainly how it feels to me.

I reach the end of Konoha's main street and take a sharp left to the Jounin Barracks. Heh, I would have loved to stay at my father's place, but I'm not quite ready to handle the grief. Besides, I don't have to worry about anything except bills and food. Everything is taking care of so I can just sit back and relax.

Oh, I need to visit Obito tomorrow since it's his birthday. I wish it was me who would have died instead of him. I deserve it, don't I? I mean, I was always a jerk to him and remained his enemy instead of comrade. Shit, what am I doing? If I'm self-pitying then I really do need help. I think I'll check into the psych ward at the hospital tomorrow afternoon. Great, I need a shrink now. Kami, what have I done to deserve this punishment?

Five minutes later finds me at my apartment door and unlocking it. As I walk in, I pull down my mask and hang the keys before removing my sandals and padding into the kitchen. Should I cook something, go out to eat, or just sleep on it? All of the options sound good but I think I'll benefit more from cooking something myself. With this problem solved I open the refrigerator and grab the ingredients before placing them on the counter top and turning the stove on. As I reach down into the stove's drawer and pull out a pot I recheck the ingredients. 'Huh, I was aiming for chicken broth and it looks like I'm doing spaghetti instead. Oh well, at least it isn't ramen this time.'

After getting the water to a boil and summoning a shadow clone to stir the spaghetti, I head over to the couch and flop down making sure to rest my head against the arm. Before I could get to sleep a sudden thought occurs to me and I get up again.

"Summoning no Jutsu!" All of my nin dogs come up and go on about their business except for Pakkun who jumps on to the couch.

"What has you so worn down, kid? I've seen you look better than this on other days. It's not from a mission, is it? You really do need to start taking better care of yourself." I glare down at my summons.

"If I wanted someone to nag me, I would have asked, wouldn't I? I'm fine, I'm just a tad tired; I had a long day at HQ today."

"Oh, sorry, for being concerned about you. I'll make sure not to be so again. Grow up, kid." With this said I head back over to the stove and turn it off before dismissing my shadow clone. One thing that I'll never be able to get over is my uncanny ability to cook. Looking down at said dinner, I sigh and head over to the sink to drain it. Excellent. One day down, another seven hundred and fifty-five thousand to go.

Just when I'm sitting down at my dinning room table with a plate full of spaghetti I hear insistent knocking on my door. I sigh, get up from the table, head back over to the door, and open it. Much to my surprise, Minato-sensei, who's now the fourth, is in the doorway.

"S-sensei? What are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to be working?" That infamous smile appears on his face.

"`Kashi-kun, I have wonderful news!" He has wonderful news? I wonder what that could be. Realizing that I'm waiting for him answer, sensei says, "Kushina's having a baby! I'm gonna be a father, `Kashi! Isn't that wonderful!?" My heart skips a few beats as my mind digests this news.

"So… what about the godfather then? Who's gonna be the godfather?" At this he smiles, if possible, even broader and puts his hands on my shoulders.

"`Kashi, that's why I came here in the first place; would you mind being the godfather of Naruto?"

"Naruto? He's a boy then? You named your son after an ingredient in your favorite dish?" Sensei nods his head happily.

"Yes!" I start to snicker, then chuckle, and then go into a full-blown laughing fit. "What, what's so funny?" I look up trying to get my laughter under control and I see the pout on his face. This, in turn, makes me laugh even more causing me to hold my sides. "Kakashi, please tell me; what's so funny… do I have something on my face?"

"No. It's the fact that you named your son after ramen! I can't believe you would name him that!" His pout is gone and then I ask him if he wants to stay for dinner.

"Ah… sorry, I can't. I still have work to do. Maybe sometime tomorrow afternoon?" I think a moment to see if I have anything planned tomorrow before giving my answer.

"Yeah, that'll work. Say `round four?" He nods and, with the smile never leaving his face, shunshin back to his office. I feel bad for my old sensei… I'd hate to have to be Hokage.

As I close the door and sit back down at the table to finally eat my dinner, the fact that I'm a godfather completely sinks in. 'I'm a godfather… an actual godfather… I can't believe it; wait until I tell Obito tomorrow! Wow, sensei's having a child!' I put my fork down upon feeling something hot and wet coming out of the eye Obito gave me. 'Heh, you're happy too, I guess. Figures you would cry; you were always the crybaby on the team.' At this I feel the tears stop and a burning sensation; I guess I made him mad. Heh, just like old times, eh, Obito? The pain stops and I go back to eating my dinner.

When I finish dinner, I put the dishes in the sink and flop back down on the couch. Suddenly, I feel this biting on the exposed part of my arm and look over to see Pakkun.

"What?" He shakes his head. "I already gave you food and water and a treat, now that I think about it." He rolls his eyes at me and jumps onto my stomach and catches my eye.

"It's not that. Did you know that it's one o'clock in the morning and you haven't gone to bed yet, kid?" At this I get up and jump off the couch making Pakkun start at my sudden movement. 'Kami, is it that late already? How long have I been asleep?'

"Pakkun, can you do a favor for me and let me actually get to my room?" The pug looks up at me and follows me into my bedroom where I undress, throw on a pair of clean boxers and head to the bathroom to brush my teeth before getting in bed and pulling the covers over me. Pakkun follows suit and jumps up to my pillow and curls up on top of my head. I just roll my eyes at his puppy dog behavior. 'And he tells me to grow up.' With one more thought coming into my mind I lean against my pillow and fall asleep. 'Wow, I'm gonna be a godfather; an actual godfather!'

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**AN: Well, first two chapters of TK are up and I hope you like them! Even if you didn't, review please. The more reviews I have, the quicker the updates come. Thank you.**

**ferret nin**


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